Subject: Self-introduction email
Dear Professor Blackstone
I hope this email finds you well. My name is Adam Kwan and I’m a year 1 student attending your critical thinking and communications module.
I am a graduate of Singapore Polytechnic with a diploma in mechanical engineering. I’ve always been drawn to engineering,we are the ones who materialize concepts, we’re able to push boundaries to turn the theoretical into reality, essentially we are problem solvers, and I think that’s really beautiful.
I have never had an issue approaching people, it’s largely thanks to my long work experience since I’ve been self-sufficient since I was 16, working in various sectors, but mostly in service, it has given me a lot of experience approaching people and starting conversations.
However my greatest weakness is that I find it very hard to maintain conversations with strangers, greatly affecting my ability to network with people. There were countless times that I’ve met great people through events but I was unable to carry a conversation, ending in quite a bit of awkwardness, I used to think that it was fine being unable to make small talk, but I’ve grown to realize that without the ability to small talk, it’s very hard to probe for common interests allowing for a meaningful conversation.
My main goals in this module is to learn some tips on how to carry a conversation, thereby improving my ability to connect with more people, and improving my writing abilities, I’ve never been fond of writing and its something i’ve neglected for awhile, and I’ve realized that it restricts me, as it makes it hard to clearly convey my thoughts to words, and I take a much longer duration for a somewhat decent product.
What definitely makes me stand out is almost a decade of real world working experience, it has given me the ability to adapt quickly and essentially remove problems for my clients. It shows in my work, as most of the companies that engage me regularly put me in charge of teams of people, most recently I ran the Hendricks Bar at Gardens By the Bay’s Christmas Wonderland 2022, and will be running it again later this year.
If you’re free in December feel free to stop by for a drink!
Yours sincerely
Adam Kwan
Hey adam, I felt that you could have elaborated more on what kind of work experience you have since you were 16. Also, you could describe what kind of problems did you help to remove for your clients over your decade worth of working experience. For language, I feel that there are some sentences that are too long and should actually be split into two individual sentences. Such as "My main goals in this module..." and "It shows in my work...". Organisation wise, the flow of your letter is ok, all the pointers lead onto the next very clearly.
ReplyDeletehey adam, i like the flow of your letter, its organized but it can still be improved. since this is a formal letter, is it not necessary to put in the "If you're free..." there are some areas for improvement on para 2 and 4, can break it up into smaller sections instead of using commas, and punctuation is important for the part of "Dear Prof Blackstone, and yours sincerely,"
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comments, Sky. Actually, in British style letters, there is no comma used after the greeting and none after the close.
DeleteHey Adam! I enjoyed reading your letter, especially the weakness part as you link it to your job experiences which caught my attention while reading. However i feel that you can add in more details for your strength by including your experiences as well! Last but not least, i feel your paragraph is well written as well, it has shown how you really stand out from the rest!
ReplyDeleteIt's a pleasure to read this letter, Adam, as it clearly demonstrates what makes you seem more mature than some of your classmates. The work experience that you describe has certainly impacted the person you have become. I look forward to the work we'll be doing this term as you can act as a "real world'' witness for the needs that I'll be making mention of. Your leadership can also be put to good use, and you will stand to benefit in terms of the communication skills that you'll be honing as will the classmates who have the chance to work with you.
ReplyDeleteDespite your obvious fluency, there are a few examples in the letter where sentence structure/punctuation can be improved for grammatical accuracy:
-- I’ve always been drawn to engineering. We are the ones who materialize concepts, and we’re able to push boundaries to turn the theoretical into reality, so essentially we are problem solvers, and I think that’s really beautiful. > (The sentences can be more effcetively be punctuated and augmented with conjunctions. The current statements would be flagged as comma splices.)
> I’ve always been drawn to engineering,we are the ones who materialize concepts, we’re able to push boundaries to turn the theoretical into reality, essentially we are problem solvers, and I think that’s really beautiful.
--- I have never had an issue approaching people, it’s largely thanks to my long work experience since I’ve been self-sufficient since I was 16, working in various sectors, but mostly in service, it has given me a lot of experience approaching people and starting conversations. > (The same issue as above.) ?
-- ...and improving my writing abilities, I’ve never been fond of writing and its something i’ve neglected for awhile, ... > (sentence structure issues again)
-- What definitely makes me stand out is almost a decade of real world working experience, it has given me the ability to adapt quickly and essentially remove problems for my clients. >
(Check out this approach)
What definitely makes me stand out is almost a decade of real world working experience, WHICH has given me the ability to adapt quickly and essentially remove problems for my clients.
-- teams of people, most recently > (Here you need punctuation.)
Thanks once again for sharing. I look forward to interacting more in the coming months.
Best wishes,
Brad